I find myself quite in the same situation I have been for several weeks now; sitting in front of my laptop, on the WordPress website with “Add New Post” at the top of the page while I do little more than stare at the screen. None of you were forgotten, despite my apparent absence; I just had too much to say and not enough words. I have about 5 uncompleted drafts that will likely never see the light of day. I’m not even positive that this post will quite make it. I may just have to accept it as imperfect and incomplete, which would, ironically, sum up how I have felt about myself lately.
While I still struggle a bit with anxiety and have, in the past, dealt with nearly overwhelming depression, I would like to think I have had many successes in overcoming both. I don’t know that what haunts me now counts as depression. Not that I need a fancier obstacle to overcome, but it just doesn’t seem to quite qualify anymore. I’ve felt depression head-on, probably went as far to that edge as you can go and still be able to come back, and while you carry scars (metaphoric in my case) from an emotional struggle like that, I think the will of the human spirit can persevere and faith and courage can sustain us, if we are willing to fight. (I know it isn’t always that simple, but for the sake of brevity, I need to stay on point.)
No, where I often find myself is less intense but whatever label you could give this condition is no less debilitating at times. I just feel lost sometimes. I haven’t had my parents arond for my entire adult life. My relationship with my mother was incredibly strained (and she passed away in 1999), and my father was nearly completely absent from my life, and what contributions he made were not positive. I have a few good memories with my mother that I value, but I honestly can’t remember one kind word ever spoken to me by my father. I’ve really longed for mentors, but I’ve never made any really enduring connections in that area. While I have accepted that life is about balancing seemingly contradicting ideas, I sometimes forget where I am in that balance and I don’t have anybody to really look up to.
I don’t particularly like where I am in life right now, truth be told. It isn’t about money. It’s about relationship and being true to everything I say I believe in. I’m not in a career that I particularly enjoy. I don’t have the sort of friends I would like in my life. I’m not experiencing the things that I feel I should be, and I am not practiced in the arts I want to be. There are so many things I want to add to my life, and I am horrible about staying on track. I lose sight, and I don’t doubt I can get to where I want; I start to doubt what I want. I start to wonder if I’m not living in my head too much and trying to live out some fantasy I’ve got in my head.
Even when I don’t doubt my Path, I have no home to go to, nowhere I can genuinely lay my armor down and just be David. The dreams I find my motivation in become a trap, and getting there feels like a “forward march or die” scenario with no end in sight. What other option do I have, after all? (Don’t read too much into statement; I merely mean moving forward is always the imperitive.) I suddenly find myself detached from those things, and I have to emotionally reconnect… and as we all know, you can’t force yourself to feel a certain way easily. That process of making good decisions with your mind and coaxing your heart to be equally invested is an artform.
So, as much as I love writing, the blog was starting to feel like a burden. I know this is the next step to where I want to be, even if it never becomes more than a side venture, but when I think too long about long roads and big pictures, there is a grumpy cat face in my head saying “I… DON’T… WANNA.” So, in my newest exploration into self motivation, I’m exploring ways to become the many varied, Jack of all trades I imagine myself to be without getting lost in the process. (More parts of this to come soon, I promise.)