My total words written yesterday? A big goose egg, just a blinking cursor in a field of white screen waiting to lay waste, set fire and pillage the wasteland, leaving literary genius in its wake. No prisoners, no apologies, just the mind to keyboard leaving the emptiness in ruins, making a mark that might never be taken back. But instead? No game time, no battles, no victory… just a cursor waiting on a blank page. Blip… blip… blip… a cursor waiting to bring methods to madness and design to chaos… or perhaps chaos to order, destroying the preconceived, spelling out what had not yet been said. Once the cursor is set in motion, you never know if it will bring peace or the sword.
I took time to watch the sunrise this morning today, and I realized that my time near the ocean isn’t to stress over things undone or debate logistics; it is a time to just be David and listen. I spoke words for forgiveness to myself, specifically for not starting the project I had committed to, but perhaps also for other promises to myself I have yet to fulfil. I have a history of not wanting to get my toes wet and my hands dirty, you see. I don’t like it about myself; it is a constant duality that I tire of fighting. But today, I laid those weapons down and called a truce, emptied the Recycle Bin of the negative emotions. The guilt of mistakes made and the anxiety of not living up to my own potential create the wrong type of environment, chokes the life from the seed that I plant. I need this tree to break ground, spread roots and bear fruit, and I am going to have to approach similar tasks and goals with a new attitude, develop an environment of trust.
It occured to me as I prayed a bit this morning that God doesn’t need to move in this scenario; He’s already accomplished what needs to be accomplished. I just need to go take what is mine. Not that I am advocating humanism, but there is a time in every child’s life when a parent simply needs to say, “You are capable, I have given you everything you need to succeed. Make it work, ask questions if you have any, but GO.”
The biggest mistakes I ever made were when I doubted myself and hesitated; it isn’t the times I tried that I regret. So it’s time to take back that space on the canvas and put this little cursor back to work writing a new story, a better story that gives life and breathes hope.
As for NaNoWriMo and the blog equivalent (BaBooBeBoo or whatever it’s called), I am just going to focus on posting a blog a day and writing between 1000-1500+ words a day. I am going to count the blog words towards my total, even though the intent is not to put them in a novel, and I don’t know how much of whatever novel idea I land on I will actually post here once I get started. I am leaving it in the air and just letting it all flow naturally. Some things just can’t be controlled nor should they.